


The diary of Gaius Augustine

by GaiusAugustine



Category: Bloodbound (Visual Novels)
Genre: Choices, Choices: Stories You Play - Freeform, Complete, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Life - Freeform, One Shot, Pixelberry, Redemption, Romance, Slow Romance, bloodbound
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaiusAugustine/pseuds/GaiusAugustine
Summary: In his diary, Gaius Augustine writes about his life and hidden feelings.
Relationships: Gaius Augustine & Main Character (Bloodbound), Gaius Augustine/Main Character (Bloodbound)
Kudos: 14





	The diary of Gaius Augustine

~~“A not very sane person once told me that a basket is like a life full of fruits, you always know what you get, so expect the unexpected." - by Trree Pumg~~

Why is that terrible quote written here? It's not even funny.

* * *

**First Name:** Gaius

 **Family Name:** Augustine

 **Weather:** Stars are dotting the clear night sky, the moonlight is illuminating the landscape. The crisp air carries the scent of the nearby forest.

 **Date:** Too old to remember. What I do know is that it's still 21th century. Close enough.

* * *

Where should I start?

Should I start by naming my diary? That's a rather silly thing to do, don't you think so, Mr Diary? Or would you prefer I call you Mr Didi? Here I'm assuming your gender now. Forgive my bad manners.

Alright, that's enough. I am not _that_ lonely. Maybe my age is taking a toll on me.

Today was an uneventful day, like every other day. Nothing unusual. Defending and protecting innocent people, saving their lives by eliminating threats.

Taking a life after another. That's my life's purpose. In past I did it for the greater bad, but this time for the greater good.

I wonder. . . What's an accurate definition of good? Is it the ability to feel empathy and compassion, or is it the choices you make thorough your life?

According to a dictionary:

**Good**

_noun_

that which is morally right; righteousness

**Righteousness**

_noun_

the quality of being morally right or justifiable

In past I could feel the difference between right and wrong, I still do, however, things have changed once I met Rheya.

She altered me and made me believe that all the immoral acts we committed by spilling a lot of innocent blood, that it was necessary.

Sacrifices were always needed if one wishes for a change to occur, one way or another. We only wanted a better world for us, vampires.

In my eyes, that time, I was honored to have such a noble purpose. At least I had a purpose.

Little did I know that I was living a nightmare, which I believed to be an alluring dream.

My memories of my beloved Ariadne were completely erased, everything good that ever took place in my life, as well. All there was left was an empty void of never ending darkness which was consuming my heart, Soul and mind.

All this was still part of me, yet at the same time it felt like it wasn't. At least not the one I was before I've met Rheya.

It felt like. . . Whenever you are angry, your mind will be clouded with rage, and the ability for rational thinking is gone together with your sense of decency.

While in such state, you feel no remorse nor empathy. All you want to do at that moment is inflict pain onto another, whether emotional or physical.

Once anger dissipates, the ability for rational thinking returns, and so does every other positive feeling, which soon is all replaced with guilt and shame.

You wonder, why couldn't you just take few deep breathes and wait until the anger would be gone? Anger is always temporary, but your actions leave a permanent mark.

You are disappointed in yourself, disliking the very person you were just moments ago. It's like. . . that wasn't you. You would never hurt another person intentionally – a loved one or not – because that's reserved only for bad people.

Yet you did, because this is still you. A part of yourself you wish it wouldn't be.

You try to search for excuses to replace that guilt. Yet you know very well that you cannot, because the guilt is still there, gnawing at your conscience like a hungry parasite which does not wish to leave anytime soon. Not until it fills its bottomless stomach.

You have to face yourself. Worse even, your darkness that looms within you, haunting you like a transparent predator that you know it's there and it will never leave, never be destroyed.

So you ignore it, pretend like it doesn't exist. Maybe it will disappear.

Instead your ignorance is the cause why it keeps growing, because you will subconsciously feed it, occasionally.

However, we forget that we must face our dark side and accept it. It is part of us after all, and only once we are aware of it, can we starve it.

Rheya increased my inner darkness against my will, turning me into my shadow self. She made me believe, after diminishing my inner light, that the darkness within me was my only existence, my true self, and that there was nothing wrong about it. So I kept feeding it.

That was my _only_ reality, my life.

I lost the ability to tell right from wrong, because my empathy was stripped away from me, with no memories left of anything that was remotely positive in my life.

Or maybe I knew right from wrong, but believed the wrong to be right.

I wonder, how can one know they are living a prosperous, peaceful life, if they've never tasted hell? Can they still be as grateful? Or do they need to compare their lives with those who do, to make them aware?

What if you can't compare, because you haven't met anyone in your life who lives a life opposite of yours?

Regardless, if you are made to believe that in your whole existence you have never known real _love_ , and the only person who pretends to love and care about you, is the very person who took everything away from you without your consent. . .

It leaves a scar that never heals, a scar that mars your Soul.

Forgiving Kamilah therefore came natural. Not Rheya.

Re-reading everything I just wrote above makes me almost sound that I am searching for reasons to justify my past actions.

That's not the case at all. Excuses are for fragile minded individuals. I'm merely trying to understand myself better after reflecting on my past actions, as past shouldn't consume us, it should teach us a lesson.

I wish to understand where the root of all evil comes from. Is it fear? Did fear birthed every negative emotion that exists in the world?

I feared Rheya, I feared others, while believing I was fearless and unstoppable. She emotionally manipulated me, and the way she made me feel, I subconsciously tried to make others feel the same way.

If I've learned anything from my encounter with Rheya in all these past years, is that nothing is black and white in this world. There are hues of different colors.

On a more positive note, I have discovered a beautiful song that resonates with me like no song ever did. I am terrible with catching lyrics, but I remembered few.

_ Don't be afraid to be weak _

_ Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend _

_ That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence  _

I do remember the ending as well.

_ That's not the beginning of the end _

_ That's the return to yourself _

_ The return to innocence Innocence. _

Was I ever truly innocent to begin with?

_Return to yourself_

Return to which _me_? Who evern am I?

Who did I used to be?

A human.

A rebelious one, for that matter. I miss those days. Does me returning to innocence mean I have to connect with my human self?

I fondly remember how I will ignore my parents' demands and wed my beloved Ariadne against their better judgement.

 _"You're too young to wed,"_ they would say. I just smiled at them, wearing a lovestruck expression.

 _"I **love** her! I know she's the one. It's never too early to marry."_ I would reply back determined, turn around and leave while feeling elated. I was an unstoppable force to be reckoned with already back then.

 _Ariadne._ The first person who made me feel those blissful emotions. My heart can't forget your name, nor your enticing eyes. They fill me with a renewed warmth every single time I will catch myself thinking on you.

I kept my promise I made to you when you were slowly leaving this world. I promised I will never wed another woman no matter how profoundly I will love her, and I never did. You are my one and only.

I miss you, my dear Ariadne. Are you watching over me from heaven's above? If so, are you disappointed in me?

I sometimes wonder how my life would look like would you have never left. I can imagine us having children in our twenties, either they'd be rebelious like me or pure hearted like you. Maybe a mix of both? You'd make an excellent mother.

One thing I know for sure is that I would've never become a vampire, because if I do regret one thing in my life the most, it is the moment I decided to work for King Kaelisus as soldier.

Ever since you left, I lost my purpose. I searched for it in wrong places, and ended up slowly losing myself on the path of life.

Now here I am, scribbling on empty sheets of papers, reflecting on my wasted life.

Can I ever truly become the person I used to be in the past? Or is it too late?

I would have almost believed I was a lost case, when a miracle happened.

Miracle called Amy.

She gave me hope, saved me from the monster Rheya made me into, she gave me a purpose, a reason to live and look forward to the future.

I made her a promise as well. A promise to do her proud, and I will make sure to live up to those expectations.

I won't disappoint you, Amy.

The only person in this world who currently believes in me, the only one who knows the real me, my vulnerable side.

I've always had a soft spot for her, even in the past when we were enemies. I was just not aware of it at that time.

Now I feel somehow oddly protective of her. I want to keep her safe.

On that island, when the Spider-feral started approaching her from behind, I felt a sudden rush of fear. I feared she will die.

It almost felt like time was going in a slow motion, as I watched helplessly by how that thing tried to take her away from me.

Anger consumed me like a raging bloodthirsty beast, and I striked on instinct.

I lied to her when I told her that I just saved her because I needed her in the final battle against Rheya. How could I've told her about my feelings? Not even I could grasp what was going on with me, I still don't. But she must've seen through me.

She always does.

What have you done to me, Amy?

It's best that you'll never know. Whatever these feelings are I shall bury them, or else they will just consume me completely for who knows how long.

Although there's that forbidden, lingering hope inside me that one day our paths will cross again. . .

One day.

If that day never comes, so be it. You're better of without me, and I hope you're living your life to the fullest. You deserve it.

And that tender kiss you gave me on the cheek, I cannot forget. Something so simple, and yet – no. I shall not dwell on such thoughts too long.

Would we have just met in another life. . .

Hm.

Now, what do people write in their diaries once they are finished and know very well they will never continue writing again?

Farewell Mr/Ms Diary, it was a pleasure making your acquaintance?

Here I am writing nonsense again.

Whatever. I will just go with it.

_Yours sincerely,_

_You already know my name_

Although that sounds rather like a letter so self, but I finished at last.

Now I really have to go. It's time to save some lives.


End file.
